After a four year relationship with one guy and even a solid year of friendship following a breakup (though albeit, a nasty one), you think that you’re over anything and everything related to the guy. For the purposes of this post, I’ll refer to my ex as Dylan, because he was a friend, boyfriend, and then friend again and deserves a name rather than a harsh label.
When Dylan broke up with me, I later heard that weeks before he had done so, he had met a blonde girl (I’ll call her Blondie) from his home town at a party I was unable to go to (and coincidentally, we had a fight over my ability to be able to make it). I confronted him and asked him if he left me for her, he denied it, but later I found contradictory evidence. I swore off never to speak to him again, but weeks turned to months and with those months, a friendly bond rekindled and he even came back for my heart – or what was left of it, and against all impulse to welcome him back with hugs and kisses, I denied him.
For the next year we remained steady friends and even ventured on a mission trip together. We even had a long talk and walk about our relationship as it stood and decided we were in fact better off as just friends. It was a huge relief since I still considered him a good guy (despite naysayers), and we had a legitimate bond. However, by the end of that trip, he had revealed he had begun a slow going relationship with Blondie. I was a bit taken back, especially after he had said some not so complimentary things about her earlier that year. I smiled and gave him an approving nod. Months later though, the realization hit me, “He doesn’t love me anymore.” It’s almost as if that feeling lagged the actual night of our breakup (his initiation). It took me almost eighteen months to let the feeling sink in that, Dylan was no longer with me and no longer did I matter the same to him anymore.
Months passed, their relationship grew (or so I was told, Dylan ended up blocking me on popular forms of social media). I slowly had to let go of anything connecting me to him and have till this day wondered if it was because Blondie made him or if it was his own choosing. Either way, the effect on my heart was bleak. I went through a strange period of time in which I couldn’t decide if I missed our romance, or the relationship. I have since then worked through the heartache and simply say to people who ask, “We were friends before and after the breakup, I simply miss my friend sometimes.” And that feeling still haunts me in moments of vulnerability.
I heard of the pregnancy early this year and frankly was not too shocked. I honestly had no real reaction to it, since I myself had begun a new relationship with a wonderful man a year ago. If anything, I was happy that Dylan seemed to have finally grown up – had a good steady job, a woman he truly loved and respected, and would soon be a daddy, something I know he longed for. “Good for him,” I said.
Well, the baby is here and healthy along with Blondie and Dylan who I am sure are more in love now than ever before.
After everything that’s happened and all the emotions I had to work through, you think I’d have a firm handle on it all, but I don’t.
Like I said, it’s not that I miss the romance, I miss the friendship and am painfully reminded that I am no longer welcomed into someone’s life, and because of my past with Dylan, it’s understandable, indeed. I guess I just never experienced a real loss of a friendship, but with this new chapter in his life, it’s as if the chapter on him and me is truly over. He has his family and I have my main man. Dylan is happy and I am happy.
Our paths are truly separated by time, distance, and our own un-doing. It’s bitter-sweet in a way to me. Maybe I am making too big a deal of it. Maybe there’s even a bit of me that doesn’t think he deserves it because of some heinous things from our past done by him – but this I know: God had a purpose for it all and has a purpose even now – and whatever it may be it is for His Glory.
My burden: to not feel jealous that I myself am yet to be blessed with a husband and family of my own.
My blessing: a wonderful man who reminds me of God’s control in my life and the story He is writing out for me is more beautiful and elegant than I can imagine. There are unexpected twist and turns, but that just makes my story all the more gripping and hopefully all the more glorifying to God. I think if this is my perspective, I can always look to my past, look to Dylan and his blessings and know I am equally blessed with a life full of unexpected surprises and reminders of God’s sovereignty.
Though at the moment I struggle to find some solace in my un-married, no-children, no salary status – I will keep my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfect of my faith, my hope, and my story.