I don’t write often enough, I know, and so days like today are some of the best opportunities to actually follow through as a writer and actually, you know, write.
What the heck is she on about? – You ask as you re-read that last sentence to see if you missed something.
Simply, everyone has things to express when their heart is broken and their feelings are wounded. As a hyper-sensitive personality, it doesn’t necessarily take much to make me cry, so when my boyfriend (aware of my HSP), said, “Can I say something that will hurt you?” My body froze. My eyes automatically swelled with tears on cue and I squeaked out, “I guess.”
“I think we need a break for about a week.”
I can’t tell you how quickly the color left my face since I wasn’t looking in a mirror, but it was definitely one of those times that someone may very well have said, “She looked like she had seen a ghost.” I think I audibly heard my heart shatter on the ground, but then realized it was just my blue Auburn cup I had accidentally knocked over in that moment and to my dismay it did shatter. As if it had been my actual heart, I burst into a flood of tears apologizing that I had broken “his” Auburn cup and I was so sorry and as I scrambled to pick up the pieces hoping the damage wasn’t too severe, he said, “Kara, it’s ok, it’s replaceable.” Well, he should have been more clear with his antecedent, since I felt as though he was saying it was inconsequential that my heart just broke, as well.
Thankfully, I’m not completely stupid and realized rather quickly he meant the “it” was the cup, which was true enough, but that was like my favorite cup and now I can’t show off my War Eagle Pride at the gym and work. I will replace it though.
I can’t exactly remember all said between tears and pleas, but I do remember he was as calm, cool, compassionate, and loving as ever before. I do not think he has ever been more reassuring, yet I, ever more scared.
“I still love you. I still want to be with you. I am still coming down for the wedding, and you’ll be in Alabama this fall.”
“But, a break?!”
“It’s alright, Kara. It’ll all be alright. It’s ok. I love you. Sweet dreams.”
Ok, the skype call was more like 3 hours, but this was the gist of it all.
I was a pathetic mess, pleading with him to just call me once a day right before bed, cried so hard my nose bled – that was fun too. Tears just kept coming, kind of like vomiting, you think you’re done. You have to be! Your eyes feel like they have not a single drop left to spill, but then a wave of pain crashes into your chest forcing out another flood to cascade down your face along with other bodily fluids from your other facial orifices – pleasant picture, I know.
I had to let him go to bed: he had school, I had work, though nothing about work appealed to me, though it normally energizes me. As I felt him slip away into dreamland, any pieces of my heart I had salvaged in my hands fell to the floor once more. I muted myself over the microphone so my sobs wouldn’t disturb his slumber. My body ravaged with grief struggled to get comfortable enough to rest which finally did happen around 5 am, though it would not allow for more than about 2.5 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I look forward to an early bedtime with a deep sleep (hopefully).
Some of you are already rolling your eyes, “Oh Kara, he’s not breaking up with you, chill out!”
Thank you for the sentiment, I am aware of the extremity I underwent with my emotions. Whether warranted or not, the fact remains my physical and emotional insides feel as though they were ground through a meat grinder – slowly.
It was so strange this morning, I woke up thinking the situation was a dream and forgetting what had transpired hours earlier, but it only took me about 5 minutes to remember – oh yeah, no morning call today, or tomorrow, or however long he decides. My body ached, I don’t think I’ve cried so hard that my body aches, I didn’t know that could happen. I pushed through the morning, though decided mascara would be wasted on my face today – and I would be proven right as I barely made it out the door and into my car before tears started to roll down my cheeks. I hope my sunglasses didn’t look totally conspicuous on an overcast day, but trust me, better than the ugly cry face- you know the face.
This all may sound overly self-indulgent, but more or less, it feels therapeutic. And through the morning, I’ve found moments of peace and comfort. The real message I’ve found is “Pray.” Finding alone time in a quiet place, be obedient and listen to God’s nudges – and the nudge is loud and clear – more like a shove – but it is to pray. So, that is exactly what I am going to go do today. Pray. I have more questions than answers at the moment, but I have promises of God and I will hold fast my faith in those promises despite how tired I feel, despite how weak I am, despite how circumstances tell me this is a bad thing. I will pray and let peace seep into my tired body and revive me.
I hope to share my thoughts once the day is up and we’ll see what God has revealed.