Search

Always Writing

What I learned Yeserday | What I write Today | What I hope for Tomorrow

Category

Life As It Happens

Whatever…

…is lovely.

I know it’s not the first thing listed in Philippians 4:8, but it’s the first one I decided to write about because of a small experience I had the other morning.

I find myself stressing and worrying far too much lately. And it’s becoming ridiculous how overly sensitive I’ve become toward the silliest things. One tilt the wrong way in my day and tears well up immediately. I too often feel like I think, “Hurry up and wait on the Lord.” And that’s a rough place to be. While many will nod their head in agreement and chuckle because of the truth behind it, it just makes me more anxious, more stressed, more panicked – Ugh!

But God taught me something new about waiting. And it is very lovely.

Thursday night I couldn’t fall asleep. I had taken a tension headache relief way too late in the evening that acted like a caffeinated beverage, leaving me with less pain but a very awake body until about 2 AM. Sleep finally took over, but was rudely interrupted at 3:30 AM by a piercing pain in my right ear. I thought something had burst, and had me burst into tears. The pain slowly subsided, but it was no use. I was wide awake in a panic – my head ached as if someone were tightening the band around my head to nth degree. My body trembled and shook, though I blankets piled high on top of me. My ear ached and felt hollowed out. I sat with my knees pulled to my chest and quiet tears dragging down my face. I looked at my phone: 5:34 – ugh. I felt awful. But I had had enough. “No.” I thought. “No” to exactly what, I am not sure, but I was sick of feeling like a victim and hiding from something scary. I put on my jogging clothes and stepped out into the cool early morning air. A single bird was chirping and only one or two lights were on in houses on my street. It was still too early for most people to be up. It was quiet and peaceful and the cool air felt great, despite my earlier episodes of chills and shakes. I don’t often pray aloud, but it felt completely natural this morning. I can’t exactly remember all I said, mostly ramblings probably. But whatever it was, it calmed me down. My street isn’t long, so I walked to the end of it and back in no time, but reached my porch steps and decided to sit and just soak up the morning air. It was glorious. By now, more birds joined the soloist from before, and some more lights turned on in windows of neighboring houses. It was almost 6 and a tiny thin brim of morning light was visible on the horizon. If you know me, you know I am not a natural morning person, I bury my head under blankets if the sun dares touch my face if I am still snoozing. But this morning, I thought, “This will be one of those rare times I’ll see the sun rise.” I smiled and couldn’t help but think about how Jesus often would go off to pray early in the morning and felt a little bit like Him. “I understand why you picked this time to pray,” I said.

As I sat there and just enjoyed our time together, I thought about healing and how sometimes it isn’t instant, it’s usually a process. It’s a long process sometimes. And sometimes the healing isn’t how we imagine it to be. God doesn’t want to be a magician or our instant entertainer – absolutely not. And after having this thought, I thought immediately, “Healing is a sunrise.” As if I had been shared a new and exciting story, I spoke aloud my realization:

Healing is a sunrise, because like a sunrise, our healing is going from darkness to light. It’s a long night of a process. Sometimes it is very painful and we lose sleep, but when we begin to receive healing, it’s like watching the sun rise and drive away the darkness. It’s slow, but faithful. We want to hurry up the process, but when you actually watch the sun rise and break through the black clouds, it’s glorious and lovely. It’s encouraging and strengthening. There is renewal and hope is restored.

Joy comes with the morning.

Our healing, our wait, is a process, the sunrise is a process. If God just switched on and off Day and Night -we’d be blinded. We would see it as some crazy magic trick. We would miss out on the lovely process that God ushers in every morning. Often, I think we take the sunrise for granted, we don’t even think about it. We go to bed when it’s dark, wake up and there’s light – maybe it already seems like an old trick we groan about. But maybe if we woke up a little earlier and just watched the Light cast out the Dark, we’d appreciate the process. We’d thank God we had a chance to see his mercies be new every morning.

Our sufferings and desires for healing will be with us until we’re reunited with our Father. But we don’t have to “hurry up and wait.” Watch a sun rise every now and then and see how lovely the process of waiting can be.

Advertisements

A New Year Again

Happy Winnie The Pooh Day! Yes, apparently January 18 celebrates everyone’s favorite honey-lovin’ bear.

That has absolutely nothing to do with this post. Mainly, I came on here to be brief about my new year’s resolution – like many before me and after me – my only resolution is this: Be Intentional.

That’s it. Whatever I do, say, or write, be intentional about it. I feel like I waste my time because I am not intentionally thinking about it, I don’t realize how fast time blazes by and before I know it, we’re 18 days into January – what? Over half-way?

Even writing this, I am distracted, I struggle to focus. I keep slapping myself (metaphorically) with my own resolution “Be intentional, be intentional, BE intentional!”

I got this new motto for the year because of a sermon I heard, and it was about intentional worship, and now I’m applying it to everything I am doing – my words, my writing, my sleep, my eating, my free time – it’s actually allowed me more “free” time to do a few things I haven’t been able to get to you. I am not perfect at it, but I will cling to it for now as I push through a lot of uncertainty.

So am I planning to be intentional? What does that even mean to me?

For me, it’s about remembering priorities, remembering plans, remembering my dreams. Remembering ultimately, my life is not my own, that I gave that to the Lord  many years ago, and that his ways are higher than my ways, and all I need to be is obedient, and to be obedient, I have to purpose, I have to be intentional – to Love the Lord my God with all my heart.

Being intentional is a daily grind, but with a eternal goal, and as long as that goal is what drives my intentions, I think it will be a great 2015.

Stop Saying You’re Sorry

Something I’ve been often accused of is saying “Sorry” too much.

When I was younger, I thought “What a strange thing to be corrected on.” And felt even more “sorry” over-using “sorry!” UGH! After some self-reflecting, I’ve decided that the habit came from a very early time in my life when I was in pre-school, where you learn your first set of manners and rules of acceptable social interactions, and that saying “you’re sorry” was an acceptable way to appease any slight, error, or offense you made toward anyone for any reason that had seemed to correct or condemn you for any behavior they found distasteful.

In my nature, I have never been one who would ever want to cause the single smallest offense toward anyone, and even at a young age, I was this way and so I went about my childhood apologizing for anything and everything, though looking back, there were plenty of times that situations did not even warrant an apology, I just felt like it was the go-to answer to protect everyone’s feelings towards me – I wanted people to like me of course – yet no matter how many times I apologized, I remained unpopular, became a doormat, and even passively bullied when I reached high school.

No, no, this isn’t a therapy session for myself, this is a realization I had not too long ago.

My Main Man is the one who really dug into me about it (not as harsh as it sounds), but he simply asked, “Why do you apologize so much Even when there is no reason to?”

I had heard this question before, but often it was rhetorical, as if everyone had the answer and expected I did too, so there was no discussion and I usually ended those conversations with a sad shrug and an “I’m sorry,” before they metaphorically blew their brains out and made quick exits. I kept my head low and my self-respect lower, and later cursing myself for being socially awkward.

But this time with Main Man, I thought and thought and conversed with him, and drew correlation between this silly bad habit of mine and another flaw (oh yes, you get to see more of my bad side).

Not so often anymore, but I was notoriously known by close friends and family to have the wildest pity parties ever. Oh I can’t tell you how much food I gorged, how many movies I watched, how much bashing I’d do in my own private ways of my life and lack of boyfriends and best girlfriends. It was down right pathetic.

These days I just resort to a good old fashion cry and covet what I don’t have, so maybe less dramatic, but still pretty gnarly if I don’t slap myself quick enough out of it. I keep my head low and my self-respect lower, and later cursing myself for being a brat. And  you know what else I’ll do? I’ll start apologizing to myself (maybe to Main Man for all the wailing and crying).

For what?

I know, right?! For what??

And I finally made a connection I wish I had connected long ago – this is what they mean when they say “feeling sorry for yourself.” You’re feeling pity and blame on your life for no real reason other than you’re not getting your way, life isn’t going as you wish it did, and you’re too busy with your head up Facebook’s news feed seeing everyone else’s engagement announcements, wedding pics, and instagram feed of their trip to Costa Rica. You’re feeling like you have to apologize to your own self for not being where you want to be.

I used to think I was apologizing to God in my tears, but I wasn’t really. I was just saying “sorry” out of a nasty habit in the false belief that it was the saving grace of any situation, including moments of pity and doubt. I have said “Sorry” too much to others for moments it wasn’t necessary, and I’ve said “Sorry” to myself too much for moments that there’s no reason, other than spending too much time regretting the past.

What an enormous waste. And I’m not going to apologize for it. I make mistakes and sometimes need correction, it doesn’t mean my character is necessarily flawed or wrong. I make mistakes and sometimes I need to brush myself off, or take an offered hand from a friend who helps me up again.

I’ve spent too many moments with my head hanging low with no self-respect, I’ve spent too many moments thinking that “Sorry” would solve my relationships and personal issues within my life, I’ve spent too many moments crying over mistakes made long ago, and over people who are no longer part of my season of life.

It’s time for me to stop feeling “Sorry.” It’s time to start feeling joyful about life, being humble and grateful for what I have, and keeping my eyes up and forward on the Author and Perfecter of my Faith.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I know I spent most of the time speaking about myself, but the title is really directed toward you, friend. What are you still apologizing for that you ought not be anymore? What moments are you wasting regretting a decision, or a mistake? Stop apologizing and thinking that will be the solution. All problems have a process and take time, and often good friends and family to sort it out. Saying you’re sorry is a starting point, but don’t leave it there to dwell on. Stand up and move forward from that five-letter word toward a better place. Whether it’s reconstructing a relationship, or grasping a better perspective on your own life. Whatever it may be, no more apologies.

The Year After I Interned Twice

If you know me at all, you know my life has been a crazy hodge podge of experiences and a checker-board of interests and investments. I don’t believe any experience is wasted and you can learn something from every situation, even if it takes a while to figure out a few years in retrospect. Be patient with your life and yourself – you can’t always figure it out the first time.

Anyways, I interned last year for two organizations, both with worthy causes and purposes. My first internship was with iACT in Austin, which is non-profit for aiding refugees in the city become comfortable in their new home. This organization is pretty amazing. I got to meet with some of the founding peeps from it and see behind the scenes of what they do. It is a great group of hard-working, people-loving, men and women and I was proud to be a small part of their team.

They do a lot to help families, and one of the biggest needs is to teach English to people who are fresh from other countries and have little but their family, clothes on their back, and the papers to be admitted into the US – and that’s about it. That would be terrifying to me to have to be in that situation. And iACT does amazing work to work with translators and the systems in place to assist these men and women who start from scratch. In the name of bureaucracy and red-tape, there’s a lot of waiting around, paper work, jargon, and overwhelming stuffs these people have to wade through, trusting that their new English guides will help them, not only that, they bring their kids – lots of them. And those sweet kiddos have to wait, listen, and entertain themselves the best they can during the process. I can’t imagine having to be a child in this situation, when you look to your parents for assurance, but they can give very little than a “Hold on,” and “We have to wait our turn,” and not know themselves when things will come to pass. All that said, these kids need as much hands-on attention as they’re just as new as their parents to our country and need English assistance. And that’s where I came in.

For about nine weeks, I help facilitate English camp and activities educational and fun for kids ages 4-18 every day. The word “tired” doesn’t even scratch the surface of how I felt at the end of my day. It was exhausting, it was draining, it was hard, it was a mad house most days, it was 50 kids with 2 helpers, it was organized chaos, and it’s amazing not a single injury or lost child the whole time. Thank you, Lord. Seriously.

If I can be honest with myself, I can’t sit here and say, “It was the best time of my life.” Or anything so profound or pretty. If I am honest, it sometimes straight up stunk, to put it nicely. Not to mention (though I will) I also was helping facilitate an ESL camp for Russian orphans – ages 5-16 – oh my goodness. I do not think my patience, grace, mercy, compassion, and kindness have ever been stretched this thin. I even had the classic “kids made the teacher cry” moment, when I had rude remarks (in Russian) murmur throughout the room while my back was turned, then total anarchy one day with my oldest teen boy go AWOL and walk out, and me standing like an idiot not sure what to do. It was downright embarrassing and incredibly frustrating – teachers you totally get me, right? Needless to say, I couldn’t wait for my summer to be over. I cried most days after doing this.

I still say I am proud to have worked with iACT and overall, I am proud that I stuck through the ESL camp for my Russian kids – I learned a lot about compassion and with retrospect vision, I can see the good that God allowed for during my time for both. These kids needed a teacher, needed some guidance, needed to be loved on (and not in the cuddly warm way necessarily), and their parents and foster parents needed a break. I am not sure how God did it, but he gave me the strength to get through one of the most trying summers of my life, and I am thankful to have been the tool he used.

I was drained though.

I felt absolutely and completely used up emotionally, physically, and mentally. And there wasn’t a single molecule in me that had an ounce of desire to teach English anymore, especially to children.

It really depressed me. I just spent a whole year believing this was my calling, this was my pursuit, this would be my livelihood and stay. But now that was gone, and now what? I felt empty.

Enter internship #2. The Posh Chapter.

After my internship with iACT, I took a vacation on my first cruise, and I don’t think it could have been better timed for me. All the stress and tears of the summer melted in the Cozumel sun. It was literally the most relaxing trip I had taken – and I mean relaxing – food on demand – water, sun, and sand – drinks – romantic walks on the deck under the moon with nothing but water for miles. It was incredible. If you’ve been on a cruise, you understand. But once I returned, the “Now what?” Came down on me once again. I thought about it and over the years, the one thing that does bite at my ankles for attention is writing. And so, it was finally time to turn and consider my options for a writing career.

After many applications and rejections for various positions as admin assistant or various odd-end jobs, I got an unpaid internship offer to be a blogger for The Posh Bridal Lounge. Unpaid? Wait, hold up. No money?

Yeah…well, ok. So, that was the bitter part about it. But I didn’t care at the time. I just wanted a chance to test my wings in this new area and explore the potential. Unpaid didn’t mean not worth it. And sitting here, I cannot believe the year I have had as part of the Posh Bridal team.

I learned an incredible amount about so many things – weddings, planning, delegating, leadership, web development, analytics for social media, wordpress, SEO – I could go on a while. All the while, I have been able to write and improve my writing. My boss is a rockstar and I owe her so much, you don’t even.

It’s still hard sometimes feeling like I should be teaching, but that part of me is still a bit drained out of my system, but I can feel it rising up slowly. And until then, I have had a year with Posh Bridal, and I continue to learn and refine my skills and abilities. I know that it was a good move and if anything a break from teaching so that maybe one day I can return to the classroom for adults – and maybe one day – kids again.

Because of my position at Posh it’s opened up a whole new world to me that I never knew I had an interest for in marketing – content and social media (and don’t judge me and think that it means just playing on FB, well, sometimes), but for real, there’s so much that goes into it that I love learning. And at the core of my heart I am a student and I love to learn new things. I was that annoying one in college who asked too many questions, by the way – so you can throw paper balls at me.

More than the new skills and fields I have learned, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I am much more confident than I realized, I am lot more capable than I knew, and I can be brave, believe it or not (still working on that, see my previous post).  But I would not have learned any of that without both of these internships last year. One was hard, and the other eye-opening. I value both experiences and I am thankful to be where I am. I forget that too often, and then God gently reminds me to spend some time with him and in retrospect, and I think, “Huh, God you know my little student heart gets excited when you remind me of those lessons you taught me.” And now I am just working on the new lessons he’s teaching me now in this time without a full time job.

No matter my experiences, I know they all bring me a little closer to knowing Him more, knowing myself a little better, and how I can use those lessons to love Him and others more.

Thank you iACT and Russian kids for teaching me about compassion and patience. Thank you Posh for teaching me about courage and confidence. Thank you God for being a good teacher.

(I do love kids, I really do, just not the best at teaching them English.)

 

Be Brave Today

I am SO excite!!! I am happy to say my first week at my job went very well. I was assigned 4 pieces to write, and although there’s a whole new process I had to learn for it, I figured it out (mostly) and am happy to say I am officially paid to write. I am a bit scared and nervous and really feel like I don’t know what I am doing, but I think that is all normal. Whatever, I’m being paid. I will have actual money at the end of the month and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

So, I’m not swimming in it yet, and will not see any movie deals soon, but there are really cool projects I will be a part of in the future and can’t wait to talk more about what we’re up to! I apologize for the lack of material here. It’s a whirlwind lately. I am of course having to make my “job” job a real priority, not complaining. But I am also trying to launch a few other personal projects.

Social Media and Content Marketing are a couple of skills I have learned this past year and I am starting to feel like I am honing them in to a point I can make it a profitable endeavor for myself. The dream job? No. But, I certainly enjoy doing it. Funny, it kind of hit me suddenly to really make a push for this as I was sluggishly filling out an 8-step process for an application to Target (and nothing against them, it’s corporate, I know), but I was boring myself to tears and realized that these sort of applications (a necessary evil) don’t allow any room for a person to share their story. And I don’t care who you are – you have a story to share and it makes you valuable and it’s worth listening to! (So, some of us aren’t as great at storytelling) but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share yours!

I hesitantly clicked the little red “x” on my application window as I thought, “No. I am more than an 8-step process, and I can prove it.” Probably a dumb move, since the job is offering benefits and paid leave, but I couldn’t stand the fact I would be sending my application (not even resume) into a corporate office with dozens of other e-applications only to be lost in a sea of faceless applicants.

I know pursuing the entrepreneurial life is hard, and often below minimum wage at best, but for now, I have to try. I will be brave for the rest of 2014 and face 2015 with new confidence that I will continue to be brave. I will figure it out, I know I can. Target isn’t going anywhere anyway, so that little application window and I could very well meet again, but for today, I clicked my way through the “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”

Find your skills, use them, practice them, find someone to teach you to use them better – even better – learn new skills, be willing to make mistakes and sit through online tutorials and read forum after forum about how to be better. If you’re as lucky as me – 20-something, no spouse, no kids, no major responsibilities (ok, the school loan), but nothing tying you down to one spot – be brave too and explore new opportunities.

This post is clearly that “…” moment, since I am somewhat running on adrenaline, can’t keep my thoughts completely together, and am trying to figure out what is going to come next in life. For now, be excited about your life, regardless of what stage it’s in. Maybe you’re not a writer, or someone trying to get their “big break.” Maybe you’re plate is full of crazy life stuff that seems overwhelming, maybe you’re reading this from a library chair in the back corner of the building because you’re homeless, maybe you are a critic who has found about 30 different grammar and spelling errors and are laughing at me. And I don’t need to know who you are, because I know if you’re eyes are reading this, you have a story to tell. Whether you write it down, video it, draw it, record it on an old-school tape recorder, or simply tell it to the person sitting next to you – be brave today and tell your story because you never know who’ll listen and who’ll need to hear it.

 

Phoenix Rising?

Well, after my pity-party, tears, prayers, a night of sob-story sharing – and a lot of hugs from my Main Man, I’m feeling that slow glimpses of hope are breaking through ashes. I know I have to move forward and with that thought in the back of my mind, my heart feels like it is gradually being re-fueled with courage making it easier to allow myself to cling to hope.

All that flowery sounding language to say, I am ready to get going again. I am excited for some new things to come. It may be nearly September, but a new year can start any day.

I am planning to take some bolder steps than I have before, and with those bolder moves, comes a stretching of my faith in the One who has me.

I am still a bit scared and nervous, and I really have little idea as to what my day-to-day is going to look like, or even what I am supposed to do or where to go, but accepting that and not letting the unknown paralyze me is a realization I am having to take hold of each morning. I think it will be a little easier as I go, but as I take baby steps for the moment, I feel those bigger and bolder steps coming up and I hope when the Spirit leads me to do so, I’ll be confident in Him who gives me strength.

It’s funny, lately, I’ve been reading a lot about anxiety, worry, doubt, and fear. And you know what word has come through clearer than words opposite to those feelings? Joy. And that gives me an overwhelming sense of peace when I just say the word and let it sink into my ears. and as I thought about that word, the first verse that came to mind was this:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I love that. I love it so much. I think often we get hung up on the idea of needing “peace” in times of worry and anxiety. But, what about what comes before it? What does that three-letter word mean in the context of that verse?

Don’t worry I am not doing an exegetical study, but I encourage for those who believe and who are seeking to believe to look it up, study it. Share with me even what you know and find out! I am still chewing on it and loving it all the more.

For now, I remember a sermon I heard from John Piper and he asked, “What is the source of your joy?” and at the time, I wasn’t sure how to answer, aside from “Well, I know it should be God.” But I knew in my heart it wasn’t at the time. And there was a lot more to that sermon which resonated with me, and for this moment, I feel as though my answer is very much the same, “I know it should be God.” But is it where my heart has been?

Simply, no.

Not like it should be. I am not saying I am at the same place as I was a few years ago when I first was posed this question, but I find myself in a situation that has tested me. I am always learning, and while God doesn’t flunk me in his goodness, I know I am making a lot of D’s and a few F’s lately. I am glad God is the God of Joy and second chances – no matter the circumstance – He is patient with me and continually teaches me.

God’s character has been revealed to me in a variety of ways in the past several years that have been surprising and enlightening and it’s wonderful – especially in retrospect. I feel him revealing more of his character that I have not known before and I know in a few years I will say the same thing that it was surprising, enlightening, and wonderful. For now, I am in the midst of learning, so it’s hard to see clearly, but the glimpses of hope that are sprouting from the ashes are His way of giving me grace to see more clearly, for once I was blind, but now I am beginning to see.

Start Over – Again

Writing for me is like the process of a phoenix. It rises up and catches fire to everything I do – I write ablaze and in passionate fury taking my aspirations to the sky and letting them burst into bright embers of hope, excitement, and light – yet as soon as that phoenix takes flight and I feel as proud as ever of watching my writing sore to its heights – it slowly begins to waver, fall, and finally fade out into ashes.

Happy thoughts, right?

But wait, if it’s a phoenix, then you already know that those ashes don’t last long.

It’s a matter of when I will choose to resurrect that legendary bird.

I wish I could say that choice is about to be made, but to be honest, it’s too much to feel as though I can confidently commit my time and efforts to writing leisurely – at least for now.

At this time in life, I am facing a major move to Alabama, no job, no savings, no insurance – thankfully, I can say I am provided for, but that’s not at all my end game. I of course need my own source of income, and I guess I am feeling a bit down because I pretty much having to submit to the fact I will most likely have to pick up a job that I not only dislike, but a job I could be stuck with for some unknown amount of time.

I really don’t mean to sound as though I am having a pity party, I am just realizing that I may be entering a very challenging season of life and I am a little afraid of it.

I long to revive the phoenix heart of writing inside me, but right now, I fear if I do that it will quickly be snuffed out because of my circumstances that will hover over me for – well, a while.

I am very unsure how to proceed forward at the moment with my writing or any of my “gifts” that I apparently have. None of them seem to be monetarily profitable, so why pursue them further in a time and place that I can’t afford risk or chances anymore.

What if I get stuck with a job that I truly don’t want or like – and get truly stuck? I guess that’s not completely true, since anyone can walk away from a job. But I know myself, and once I commit to a task, I won’t simply walk away from it.

I am frustrated.

I feel as though I know what my talents are, I know where I am gifted, yet no doors are opening to allow me to exercise those traits. I will obediently follow after my Master who I know is guiding me to His glory, but at the moment, I am scratching my head, and whining in the back seat of the car, wondering where we are going and when will we get there.

When Your Ex Has a Baby

The Ex

 

After a four year relationship with one guy and even a solid year of friendship following a breakup (though albeit, a nasty one), you think that you’re over anything and everything related to the guy. For the purposes of this post, I’ll refer to my ex as Dylan, because he was a friend, boyfriend, and then friend again and deserves a name rather than a harsh label.

When Dylan broke up with me, I later heard that weeks before he had done so, he had met a blonde girl (I’ll call her Blondie) from his home town at a party I was unable to go to (and coincidentally, we had a fight over my ability to be able to make it). I confronted him and asked him if he left me for her, he denied it, but later I found contradictory evidence. I swore off never to speak to him again, but weeks turned to months and with those months, a friendly bond rekindled and he even came back for my heart – or what was left of it, and against all impulse to welcome him back with hugs and kisses, I denied him.

For the next year we remained steady friends and even ventured on a mission trip together. We even had a long talk and walk about our relationship as it stood and decided we were in fact better off as just friends. It was a huge relief since I still considered him a good guy (despite naysayers), and we had a legitimate bond. However, by the end of that trip, he had revealed he had begun a slow going relationship with Blondie. I was a bit taken back, especially after he had said some not so complimentary things about her earlier that year. I smiled and gave him an approving nod. Months later though, the realization hit me, “He doesn’t love me anymore.” It’s almost as if that feeling lagged the actual night of our breakup (his initiation). It took me almost eighteen months to let the feeling sink in that, Dylan was no longer with me and no longer did I matter the same to him anymore.

Months passed, their relationship grew (or so I was told, Dylan ended up blocking me on popular forms of social media). I slowly had to let go of anything connecting me to him and have till this day wondered if it was because Blondie made him or if it was his own choosing. Either way, the effect on my heart was bleak. I went through a strange period of time in which I couldn’t decide if I missed our romance, or the relationship. I have since then worked through the heartache and simply say to people who ask, “We were friends before and after the breakup, I simply miss my friend sometimes.” And that feeling still haunts me in moments of vulnerability.

I heard of the pregnancy early this year and frankly was not too shocked. I honestly had no real reaction to it, since I myself had begun a new relationship with a wonderful man a year ago. If anything, I was happy that Dylan seemed to have finally grown up – had a good steady job, a woman he truly loved and respected, and would soon be a daddy, something I know he longed for. “Good for him,” I said.

Well, the baby is here and healthy along with Blondie and Dylan who I am sure are more in love now than ever before.

After everything that’s happened and all the emotions I had to work through, you think I’d have a firm handle on it all, but I don’t.

Like I said, it’s not that I miss the romance, I miss the friendship and am painfully reminded that I am no longer welcomed into someone’s life, and because of my past with Dylan, it’s understandable, indeed. I guess I just never experienced a real loss of a friendship, but with this new chapter in his life, it’s as if the chapter on him and me is truly over. He has his family and I have my main man. Dylan is happy and I am happy.

Our paths are truly separated by time, distance, and our own un-doing. It’s bitter-sweet in a way to me. Maybe I am making too big a deal of it. Maybe there’s even a bit of me that doesn’t think he deserves it because of some heinous things from our past done by him – but this I know: God had a purpose for it all and has a purpose even now – and whatever it may be it is for His Glory.

My burden: to not feel jealous that I myself am yet to be blessed with a husband and family of my own.

My blessing: a wonderful man who reminds me of God’s control in my life and the story He is writing out for me is more beautiful and elegant than I can imagine. There are unexpected twist and turns, but that just makes my story all the more gripping and hopefully all the more glorifying to God. I think if this is my perspective, I can always look to my past, look to Dylan and his blessings and know I am equally blessed with a life full of unexpected surprises and reminders of God’s sovereignty.

Though at the moment I struggle to find some solace in my un-married, no-children, no salary status – I will keep my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfect of my faith, my hope, and my story.

Achievement Unlocked – Entry Level Internship 10 C’s*

(Warning: Not a prime example of my writing, but certainly a stream of consciousness moment in a fit of excitement)

So, while I have several articles on the back burner (anxious to finish them), I have to commemorate this victorious moment of career advancement! No, I didn’t land a book deal, nor did I even earn a single dollar from an article (though I am about $0.10 + for my yahoo contribution). I have been offered an internship with a successful business woman who will train me in entrepreneurship, marketing, online presence, and WordPress pro skills.

(not mine, and nor do I have these skills, but maybe I’ll learn these too one day)

While it won’t earn me a penny (for now), I am excited to feel as though I will be a working student – learning on the job as I will be part of a blogging team for her company.

I have had several jobs, but only one that I obtained on my own merit (i.e. no connections beforehand), but it was a glorified sales clerk position (shift leader, fun times – you know what I mean if you’ve been the closing shift person).

As I have begun to pursue my writing career, I began looking specifically for internships that might act as a launch pad for my business. I literally have flung myself at an array of positions, hoping on a prayer someone might see raw talent to be refined. Honestly, I had given up hope and was about to settle for a bank teller position (it even came with benefits), but I received a welcomed response from one company that specifically noted my creative writing style. My heart leaped at the fact someone unknown to me took a striking interest in my words.

I won’t go into details about the position just yet since I was just offered it today, I have to still officially say, “Yes.” But I felt the urgent need to document my success as an up-and-coming writer! On my own, I have ventured out on this new journey and have thankfully taken a solid first step.

(not mine, but very appropriate for how I feel)

Hopefully between babysitting, tutoring, and this internship, I just might make it to the second step.

Wish me luck 🙂

*C’s = Career Points

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: